Primary Season

My old friend Paul, who is as conservative as they come, recently e-mailed an analysis of the primaries on both sides of the political fence. I thought that it was too good not to pass on.

One caveat: He knows that Dennis Kucinich has already withdrawn from the race, but couldn't resist commenting on him. Here the full text of his comments, unaltered from the e-mail he sent to me:

As for the primaries, I have some comments & observations:

The Republicans:

Mitt Romney: I have come to the conclusion that Mitt Romney is a cyborg (a cyborg with $1,000,000,000,000 in cash)-- and his programmers need to download some levity into his hard drive. Also, his name backwards is Tim Yenmor. Somewhere in this country is a guy by the name of Tim Yenmor who does not realize that his name backwards is Mit Romney. If he gets the nomination, he should immediately change his name to Mitt Lazio, in reference to what the Clinton machine will do to him, too.....

Rudy Giuliani: Hey, what a campaign Hizzoner has run-- on top of all Republican polls since 9/11, and you decide to exit from the first 6 primaries under the 'inevitable nominee' rationale. Who do you think you are? Hillary Clinton? Oh, I'm sorry-- she's actually been campaigning since Iowa. Who is your campaign manager? Shemp Howard? I will say this-- hearing Rudy in recent interviews give the Pee-Wee Herman "I-meant-to-campaign-like-this" explanation for his deplorably-run effort is truly hysterical.

John McCain: War hero. POW. Great American. President??? Uh, I don't think so. First, by his own admission, the economy is not his "strong point." Disqualifier right there-- that's like saying, "I'm going to be a surgeon, but science is not my strong point." At least the Cyberdine Systems' Mitt Romney Model 101 has run a business. We like you, John, but face it-- you're the Bob Dole of 2008 (but without the charm). Hillary will eat you for lunch.

Mike Huckabee: The Republican answer to Jimmy Carter (Mike Huckacarter??). The only difference is that you won't get the nomination. Hope you've enjoyed your 15 minutes....

Ron Paul: Dude, isolationism is so.....1920's. Your campaign motto should be "Back to Normalcy." And your last name is a first name. Disqualifier right there. The good news is that most polls & primaries to date have you ahead of Rudy-the-Inevitable.....

And now, the Democrats:

Hillary: Looks like my 5th grade math teacher is going to be president for the next 8 years. Yay. Nurse Ratched with a screetch that peels paint. And please-- stop that phony, forced guffaw of a laugh; it only underscores that you have no sense of humor (it's like the 12-year old who smokes-- it only reinforces their immature status). And by the way-- who's running, you or Bill??? Either way, it doesn't matter-- you two are the Terminators of American politics right now. They can't be bargained with; they can't be reasoned with; they feel no pity, or remorse; and they absolutely will not stop. Ever. Until they are running the world......

Barack Obama: From class president to U.S. President? I have to say, though, those five days between Iowa and New Hampshire were a lot of fun-- pigs were flying, the Earth was flat, Hell was a brisk 32 degrees, supermodels were interested in guys like me, Bush was competent (okay, let's not get carried away...), and you had brought the Hillary coronation to a swift and precipitous halt. And then we all woke up (and don't think for a minute that South Carolina, or even Florida, will save you-- Hillary is kicking your ass on Super Tuesday). That's alright, though-- you'll make a good Veep. And stop with the dancing. I also haven't forgot that you flipped out on Maureen Dowd (who's over 50 and still hot) when she teased you about your ears. Lighten up....

John Edwards: At this point, you are reminding most people why they dislike lawyers. Shoo. Go away. Go home to your 28,000,000-square foot house, Mr. Man of the People. You have NO chance. Any part of that statement you don't understand??

Dennis Kucinich: Look, this guy stated in one of the debates that he has seen UFO's. Enough said. Get him off the stage. Now.


Just some stream of consciousness during our current exercise in democracy. Sorry for all the Terminator references.....

Paul